It’s amazing how
anyone can adjust to a life long illness. I, back in 2010 was diagnosed with frontal
lobe epilepsy.
Epilepsy: For those of you that don’t know, it is a
neurological disorder marked by sudden recurrent episodes of sensory
disturbance, loss of consciousness, or convulsions, associated with abnormal
electrical activity in the brain.
After
fighting a loosing battle with many medications I finally settled on two that
gave me the least side effects in 2015, Levetiracetam and Lamotrigine.
At
the beginning of this year, I had a massive seizure…typical! Start the year as
you mean to go on… On the 3rd March 2016, my life, my families’ life
and my boyfriend’s life were to turn upside down. I was on my way to work that
morning and somewhere along that tube journey my memory and
life disappeared…
Retrograde
amnesia: is a loss of
memory-access to events that occurred, or information that was learned, before
an injury or the onset of a disease. It tends to negatively affect episodic, autobiographical,
and declarative
memory while usually keeping procedural memory intact
with no difficulty for learning new knowledge.
The months to
follow where to be the worst. After spending a week in hospital undergoing
tests, and being diagnosed with retrograde amnesia I finally had to face the
real world. Not knowing where I lived, who I was, who my family and friends are.
I was trapped in a life I didn’t know anything about. I felt so alone, so
scared and so sad. Guilty for not knowing the people that wanted to help me the
most. I couldn’t come to terms with why this had happened to me, I didn’t want
to accept it. I wouldn't let my mum or dad hug me because in my mind they were
strangers. Life had chewed me up and spat me back out again…
How are you meant
to deal with knowing nothing? Not knowing yourself, who your friends are, where you live, your likes and dislikes... Dealing with impaired speech, a stammer and unable to differentiate and recognise a lot of things. My emotions and character had vanished, I didn't even know where my toilet was in my own house! I had to re-learn and rebuild my life. The toughest days were meeting loved ones.
The looks on their faces when they realise you didn’t know anything about them
or special times that you have shared. They are the faces that will scar me
forever.
Going back out into the world and recreating a life at the age of 20 seemed impossible. But day by day with the support of my mum and dad everything gets easier. The first day I truly came to accept what had happened to me was when I felt a sudden impulse to hug my mum for no reason, finally breaking down a barrier.
Going back out into the world and recreating a life at the age of 20 seemed impossible. But day by day with the support of my mum and dad everything gets easier. The first day I truly came to accept what had happened to me was when I felt a sudden impulse to hug my mum for no reason, finally breaking down a barrier.
‘With everything that is going on for you I
just want to say stay strong, a person without adversity or challenges are boring
and mediocre. Great people are born from great challenges.’ – Sam Davis
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Seven months on and
obviously every day is still a scary one for me and I am constantly reminded of
that awful day, whether it be looking back at old photographs or text messages or
the accidental slip up of a friend or family member saying ‘remember when…’ But my outlook on
life and people has changed. Having gone through possibly the hardest thing ever and coming out the other side has made me cherish every moment of life.
For those who have been there
for me I cannot thank you enough, you have made the darkest of days a lot lighter.
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| Mum, dad and I on our first holiday together since my memory loss. X |
It is the
continuous support and positive energy from my friends and family who have
been able to stick around that keep me going. Every day to me is a blessing and
life can only go up from now. x
