Hello!
It has been a while since I last posted a blog on here, so long it seems that even our world is in a very different place to what it was one year ago.
Coronavirus aside (as I am sure we are all fed up of hearing the dreaded 'C' word) I wanted to update any person who has read this as much as possible and hopefully give you a little lightness, good news and giggle along the way.
I have never really considered myself as a ‘blogger’. I had envisaged using this platform as a way of producing transparency into my thoughts and feelings for my friends and family to get a real insight into my mental and emotional state a little more coherently; I am better at writing my thoughts on paper than I am talking (although I think every post I have ever published my mum and sister in law have had a little cry - not the intention but still cute!). However, I have come to the realization that translucency is only truthful when in the moment otherwise we are just embracing on reflectiveness. The first ever blog post I wrote (The Day I lost my memory..) was so raw and unfinished but it was how I felt at the time, I posted the blog the same day I wrote it. I wasn't anal about any spellings or punctuation or whether it even made sense. But the reaction I received inflicted nothing but pure kindness upon me. I never thought people would take an interest in me (I mean I am literally just a girl trying to tell her story). So often strangers that have read my blog invite me into conversation and often wonder how I am, and my reply is usually that of ‘good’ or ‘fine.’ But fine is not enough, not when at your most vulnerable you shared yourself with the world. So, this post is intended for those who gave me benevolence at a difficult time, your open hearts impacted where I am today.
So much has happened in (nearly) five years that I constantly have to remind myself to enjoy every moment I am blessed with, which is often easier said than done when you are in the hustle and bustle of life.. It is so strange because writing that makes me feel so normal as I know others will relate. That has been something I have always craved since my amnesia, to be 'normal'.
My first experience of 'normal' happened two or three years ago. I was at work on my lunch break when I had to double take a look at a vaguely familiar man. This was the first time I had ever had to look at a stranger twice because I had that feeling, you know, the one where you know the person but can't think of their name, nor where you know them from. Subtlety is not an instant emotion to a person who has no memory... So I threw myself right into it and bombarded this poor man. My heart was thumping so hard, I was excited, nervous and confused. I honestly felt like perhaps this was the 'moment' my doctors kept telling me about where my entire life would fall into place and I would remember all that was lost.
I really wish this story was me beginning to tell you of how my memories came flooding back, but unfortunately it is not and you would never ever guess this ending...
I caught up with the man in the lift, overly excited to talk and figure out our connection. The man in question, was extremely bewildered with my overfriendly attempts to figure our past out. He assured me he did not know me, but I was so persistent in telling him my name, my families names, where I lived. I divulged a lot of information on a very small lift journey. Eventually when we reached my floor, I thought I must be mistaken and that he must just be a face I had seen around the office building. I called mum straight away to tell her and describe the man, but she could not place him in any part of our lives and so I decided that I must have been wrong.
It was only when a few months later, my mum and dad were watching television did I realise I knew where I had seen this man before and it was on the T.V show my parents were watching, DIY SOS. The man in mystery was Nick Knowles. (So sorry if he ever see's this..)
I would be happy to say that he is the only person I have mistakenly thought I have known on friendly terms, but he is not. I have not only made this mistake with Nick Knowles but also with Camilla Parker Bowles. A very different story that encountered a big telling off and a lot of bodyguards!!!
I am glad I am able to look back at these memories now and laugh, at the time I was absolutely mortified.. but these small embarrassing moments have helped shape me to be the person I am today.
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| We celebrated our 'should be wedding day' at the beach. |
My boyfriend Richard decided to upgrade me from 'girlfriend' to fiancée in 2018 with the plan of having a beautiful winter wedding on the 30th December 2020. However along with most other 2020 brides, that plan was disrupted because of the virus.
But what counts most, is that I am happy and content. I may not be 100% seizure free, but I no longer dread the 'what if' if this happened again.
Who knows, perhaps the 3rd of March will always be a meaningful date for me. However, if safe enough, maybe I can change the date from apprehension and instead have the memory of a wedding? Only time will tell ...
But for now, keep safe and thank you for reading. My blog, at one point in my life was my purpose and no words can describe the feeling I gained when a reader wrote, emailed or even took the time to read the words I placed on these pages...
"There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven't yet met." - William Butler Yeats
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| Richard proposed to me in Amalfi, Italy. I had NO idea......!! |
