What is it like to lose your memory?

People often ask ‘What is it like to lose your memory?’ In which I used to find hard the words to describe. But what do they really mean by ‘your memory?’

Memory: The dictionary definition is – the faculty by which the mind stores and remembers

It’s coming up to two years since my life went into turmoil. Questions that both you and I ask still have no answers and I often wish I had a sign over my forehead or scar across my face to remind people that I am still in recovery. I am that girl that suffers with retrograde amnesia and the hide and seek illness that is epilepsy.

People often refer to my life as ’50 first dates’ (unfortunately mum doesn’t let me watch this – to close to home!), and in some ways this is true, my last two years has seen me invent a life on the basis of first timings rather than experiences and memorable moments however this is difficult when you have never felt or practiced negative emotions. But from these I have come to understand that from negativities you really are grateful and appreciative of positive moments and this therefore creates a memory.

‘I have no advice to give and no lessons or stories to tell you to follow. I just wanted to Commend you on your bravery… One step, One Day at a time. Don’t let anyone Rush you through Life. You Set the Pace. You Don’t owe Anyone Anything. Bad Days are inevitable, But remember it is YOUR JOURNEY’ – Dawn (USA)

A loving and caring family, boyfriend and friends, a new job and a new found confidence have enabled me to become the person I am today, the happy girl who does see light at the end of the tunnel. I have finally accepted this life and those around me have also accepted it. I have built memories with them that I would not dream of swapping or regaining for the old ones inside me. A life without family and friends is no life at all and I am extremely luck to share mine with those around me. 

I have learnt what to tell those who ask me what it is like to ‘loose your memory.’ I say, simply imagine being in a play on stage in front of hundreds of people you do not know, and you are the main character. From the wings your director is ushering you to speak. It is your que, your time to shine, but you do not know your lines, you don’t even know the character you are supposed to be playing or how he/she should react. Inevitably in this situation, you would run of stage. But this is me or rather how I felt, and instead of running into the wing, I look to the audience and there they are, my parents, brothers, boyfriend, niece, nephew and sister in law.  They stand and applaud me and from this, I am able to carry on….