Routine

‘A body without bones would be a limp impossible mess. So a day without steady routine would be disruptive and chaotic’

What we sometimes misinterpret and are unwilling to accept is that routine really does play a key role within human lifestyle. Take routine away and there will be an initial gain of freedom and opportunity which over time quickly turns monotonous and unvaried. My privilege of routine was seized from me in conclusion to my retrograde amnesia and this was leading me into a very dark world. 

As I have already mentioned in my previous blogs; I now accept that I most definitely struggled with PTSD which I believe occurred shortly after my hospital admission (Although this has never been diagnosed officially). At the time however I was resistant to seek any type of medical advice as I was apprehensive about having another ailment added to my already increasing medical biography. I believed that the feeling I was experiencing would be a brief indisposition. However once my mums’ compassionate leave from work came to an end and she, dad and Bish all returned to their regular day to day I started to become extremely morose. Although mum only works part time, the days she was gone I completely disengaged with my existence. I didn’t bother waking at a applicable time, eating, venturing outside or exercising and was making no attempt at creating any type of life. I was the complete personification of nihility and lost my personal spark. I was entrapped in a black haze with no means of escape. 

Through pure honesty I want to express to you that at no point throughout my journey have I suffered with clinical depression. Of course my mental state was effected in consequence to what had happened but my mental health remained ‘stable’. In my individual case, I sincerely believe that no medication nor counselling would have been beneficial to my recovery. I myself, needed to restore my stimulation for life. 

With that said, on one particular day in mid-2016, I experienced a final deterioration in my mental state; after consecutive days alone diminishing in my own thoughts I reached my breaking point. I delivered words that no parents should ever hear from their child whereby I was questioning the point of my existence. I regret saying it now, but back then I could see no outcome of life getting better. I wasn’t completely unhappy m, simply just lost in life. My parents realized that I had hit my ultimate nadir to life and decided to take control. 

My mum introduced me to yoga. She sought out a specifically designed class where I would be benefited not only from the experience of meeting like minded individuals and become physically stronger but also to gain a non-evasive self-spiritual acceptance. I had a natural ability in yoga and quickly became appreciative of the pleasure of the endorphins you gain from exercise and so decided to explore other recreations. Without any intention I had started to build structure into my life. But with every accomplishment a misdemeanor followed. The physical activity and lack of diet held an impact over me and so I became overly fatigued. Each evening I would encounter into a extremely graphic and realistic nightmare that bared no relevance to my life, I was able to recall each and every minor detail from the dream. Still to this day we have no answers as to why I possess these but they were far worse in the beginning that they are now.

Life was mainly ascending but I still contended with my mental state. I continuously craved to be the same as every other human I knew and needed a traditional regime to comply with normality. Therefore in my mind I needed a job. So six months after the amnesia I applied for two positions at two separate companies with the expectation I would be rejected for both. 

I would like to acknowledge that I know it was perhaps too soon to pursue a full time career but from my perspective at that particular time this was the gap in my life. 

I was accepted into full time employment in October 2016. Routine, courage and independence began to prevail in my life once again. By now my brain was able to learn new things expeditiously. My main burden lay on my interpersonal skills and delayed speech. I decided to delve into the world of non-fiction and as always pushed myself into reading the most intellectual and challenging books that contained unfamiliar jargon. This improved and expanded my vocabulary and I learnt how to articulate words and my sentences became cohesive.

Rather than being blinded by default of capability I began to relish in my edification.

In many ways I am ‘ok’ with the thought that this happened to me rather than somebody who doesn’t have the stability which I obtain around me. Family and friends are the pursuers of your recovery, you cannot simply get better of your own accord, it is near impossible. Of course I still struggle with my emotions at times but this only makes me human. 

Having routine changed my life once more, it showed me reason to want to progress and clear the dark haze that I had gained. 

‘Routine is a ground to stand on, a wall to retreat to; we cannot draw on our boots without bracing ourselves against it.’ 

                                -  Harry David Thoreau

•NOTE: Please note this blog post was written over a year ago. Reading this now is difficult for me as I believed I was coping when really I wasn’t. You can see the sadness in this post and the willingness to be better. But getting better takes time and doesn’t just happen overnight, however much we would like it too. This post was written in a completely different head space to the one I am in now•