Although it has nearly been three years since my initial hospital admission for retrograde amnesia, I feel that I am still trapped in the world of seizures and memory issues. I am still recovering to this day and I am not afraid or ashamed to admit that. But what is recovery?
The Oxford English Dictionary explains it as ‘A normal State of Health, Mind or strength’
On the outside, I probably look ‘normal’ or fit society’s expected perception. When you first speak to me, although initially a little slow and unable to form a coherent sentence (and sometime struggling with lethologica), after a while it fades and is accepted as standard. So does this imply that I have recovered?
Today, as I am writing this I feel as though I am in a good place. I am not entirely sure how to define the ‘good’ but I am by far miles better than I was this time three years ago.
There would have been no ‘road to recovery’ for me if this world had not blessed us with two little angels in the form of my niece and nephew. The thing with children is, no matter what you’ve been through or how black and grey your world is, they will always help you find colour in a way that an adult can’t. They have the ability to love you for you without any judgements. They expect nothing from you other than your time and your devotion. Albie was just 2 on our reintroduction and Rubie a mere baby of 3 months. From the moment I laid my eyes on them and Albie grabbed my hand and said ‘Jessie play’ I had my first real experience of love. Cuddling Rubie broke my guard and gave me a first drop of self worth. Without even knowing they were the beginning of making me, me. They gave me my imagination back. Through the past three years we have mirrored each other’s developments (although theirs was the natural next step in their lives, mine was a reintroduced one!). I can only thank them with showing how much I love and care for them. They will never know how much they helped to save me but I hope one day they can read this and reflect on how pure and open their hearts are.
They were just two of the many people who helped me overcome most of my initial hurdles to get me to where I am today. (More blog posts to come!) But they, Albie and Rubie gave me something I cannot explain.
So in answer to my question of have I fully recovered?
I feel that when I am in my immediate families presence, that is me with a ‘fully recovered personality.’ This is when I truly perfect the Oxford English Dictionary description. But do I really care about a definition? No. Not really. Because recovered is just a word that has different connotations for each and every person. For me it means a seizure free life and being able to wake up each day as Jess surrounded by my family and peace. I have one out of two of these but I am way over the half way mark.
I am grateful to see the world in colour each and every day.
